5 Things I Learned From Years In BDSM That Can Make Any Sex Life Thrive

From 2009 to 2015 I was heavily involved in the world of kink and BDSM.

Why, you ask? The short answer is that I was a long-term recovering ‘nice guy’ (aka I was a doormat when it came to women) who was perpetually afraid of being seen as even slightly sexually aggressive. Because of this aspect of myself, I became heavily invested in integrating my darker sexual energy, and spending ample time in kink dungeons felt like the best possible place to be around older men who had integrated their sexual beast.

In fact, during those years, I spent more time in BDSM dungeons, play parties, and fetish events then I could even calculate.

(For the uninitiated, BDSM is an acronym for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism – and just a fancy way of saying kinky sex. And play parties are parties where there’s just a lot of people fucking in one room, and they’re all fucking each other in exactly the way they want to fuck each other. It’s actually quite beautiful to be a part of, and something I recommend everyone try out at some point in their life.)

During these years, in my personal dating life, I frequently oscillated between vanilla relationships and BDSM oriented relationships. Because both of these dating realms held different things that I felt drawn to.

Over time, I came to see the pros and cons of each of the two worlds, and I found a way to integrate the best of both into one relationship.

The following tips are the biggest takeaways that I would pass on to anyone in a more traditional relationship, in order to bring some extra juice, magic, or sexual spark into their love lives. And, be forewarned, I’m bypassing the generic ‘role-play and costumes are so risqué ooh la la’ advice and going straight for the good stuff.

Regardless of whether you’re a regular in the kink dungeons of San Fransisco… or you’ve never engaged in anything other than the missionary position in the dark with your high school sweetheart/now spouse, there will be something in this article for you.

1. Play with polarity

A lot of kink/BDSM play boils down to playing with sexual polarity.

By intentionally increasing the dynamic tension between you and your partner, you can essentially boost the erotic charge whenever you feel like it. Whether you label this tension as the dance between masculine and feminine, or top and bottom, or Dom and sub doesn’t matter.

Since different people gravitate towards a more dominant role, and others a more submissive one, I’ll lay out some quick tips to help you polarize yourself towards either energetic charge.

To polarize more into the masculine/dominant/leading role:

Physically limit them. Tie their wrists together with adjustable quick-release wrist restraints. Get a four corner restraint system off of Amazon and put it under your mattress. Or, if you don’t want to outsource the fun to a piece of rope, pin their wrists down on the bed using your hands.

Be hyper explicit in naming what you want. Since Dom’s are often calling the shots, moment to moment, during sexual play, they need to become masters at naming their sexual needs. If you’re unsure about what your sexual needs are, I’d recommend carving out a couple of hours to reflect on that. What does an ideal sex life look like for you? What activities are you doing… with what frequency, and emotional tone, and in what kinds of environments and outfits? Get crystal clear on what you want, and then deploy the courage it requires to confidently name it in real time.

Embrace your anger. The men who tend to resist being a full-fledged Dom in the bedroom tend to be men who have an unintegrated relationship to their anger (since it requires tapping into your anger to be as selfish, controlling, and dominant as you’ll want to be during certain moments of your sexual play). Whether you integrate your anger by regularly dominating the squat rack at the gym, talking with a therapist, or by screaming into another mans face on a men’s retreat is irrelevant. Do what it takes to integrate this beautiful and important part of you, and your sex life will flourish.

To polarize into the feminine/submissive/following role:

Let go of control. Since being a good submissive is about following the directions of your dominant, there isn’t anything to ‘do’ as a sub other than whatever it is you’re being told to do (within your pre-existing limits and boundaries). The amount of trust it requires to fully let go and surrender to your partner is also highly erotic.

Make their pleasure your highest priority. Technically, this point applies both to Doms and subs because both people are being served in different ways, but for a submissive it’s that much more explicit. The submissive’s raison d’être is to please their Dominant.

Ask more questions. Asking questions is a way to put your voice forward during polarized sexual play without coming across like you’re trying to lead in any way. Questions as simple as, “Do you like that?”, and “Like this?”, can get you a long way on their own.

One last point I want to make in this section is that while many people identify as either being a Dominant or a submissive, there’s a third category of people who engage in both, called being a switch. Switches feel equally at home being in the Dominant or submissive role.

If you exclusively tend to be the more dominant partner, then I would encourage you to try on your switch hat and attempt being sexually submissive to your partner every now and then. Even if you only do it once or twice a year, there is much spiritual and character growth to be had from swinging the pendulum into something that you’re less comfortable with, in order to see what you learn about yourself from the experience.

2. Slave training

Another facet of the BDSM world that most people haven’t heard of is the concept of slave training.

Slave training is the phase of a new Dom/sub relationship when the Dominant progressively trains their submissive in the subject of exactly how to please them. And the biggest reason why I think everyone in vanilla relationships should know about this is because of the default LACK of conversations that are had between partners about how they want to be pleased (sexually, or otherwise) in relationship.

I mean, be honest…

When was the last time you explicitly asked your partner questions like:

– How do you feel about our sex life lately?

– Is there anything I can do to please you better?

– What do you love about our current sex life?

– Is there anything you’ve been hesitant to ask for, but would like to try/would like more of?

So, while you probably aren’t going to take your partner out into a cabin in the woods and educate them on your sexual preferences for an uninterrupted month, there’s something to be said about having explicit conversations with your partner about your individual turn-on’s, preferences, and sexual needs.

3. Praise kink

There are hundreds (if not thousands) of commonly accepted kinks in the world of BDSM. One of those kinks is called praise kink.

Praise kink is (usually) a tagalong facet of a Dom/sub relationship where the submissive gets aroused by having praise lavished on them for a task done well.

foreplay, foreplay tips

Regardless of whether or not your partner would identify as having any degree of praise kink, everyone appreciates knowing how they’re doing in the bedroom.

If you tend to be quite vocally reserved in the bedroom, try mentioning things you like about what your partner is doing, in the moment, and see how it feels.

Always calibrate your word choices to how you would most naturally speak, but you can try on any one of these for size to get the ball rolling.

– “You’re so fucking good at sucking my cock/going down on me. You feel amazing…”

– “Mmm… I love your perfect little body”

– “You taste so good”

– “I love the sounds you’re making… you have such a sexy voice”

For 100+ more ideas of things to say in bed, check out my deep dive article on dirty talk by clicking here.

4. Free use

Free use is another kink that some scene couples engage in.

In the context of a committed relationship, free use is the explicit agreement that one partner can use their partner in whatever way they want to, sexually speaking, at any time of the day.

Now, this dynamic won’t always be realistic to carry out (no babysitter? Your partner is asleep? They’re sick and have no energy?) but there’s something to be gleaned from this concept that anyone can utilize.

It can be worthwhile to talk to your partner about what your free use equivalent is. In other words, what sexual acts are the most perpetually on the table?

Maybe on nights when your partner isn’t in the mood to have sex, they’re willing to make out with you while you masturbate yourself to completion. Or maybe your partner loves oral sex so much that 69’ing is an option around the clock.

Free use isn’t about giving up bodily autonomy. It’s about discussing with your partner in what ways you are both most readily available to serve each other on the sexual level.

Whatever your equivalent ends up being, it’s a valuable conversation to have. What is the minimum viable product of sexual activity that is (almost) always available to each of you?

5. Sex is about transformation

Ultimately, sex is a transformative act.

Whether you’re literally creating new life with your sexual energy, or just freeing up more aliveness in your own body by using sex to move through psychological, emotional, or physical blocks, sexual energy has the ability to transform us, if we’re open to it.

Without going too deep into Taoist sexual philosophy and/or Tantra, let it be known that: sexual energy and creative energy are one and the same.

Here are just a small handful of examples of what you can use sex to transform in your life:

– Feelings of disconnection from your partner into connection

– Stress into ease

– Shame and self-rejection into compassion, self-love, and self-acceptance

– Religious guilt/shame into coming to see yourself and your sexuality as innocent and beautiful

– Creative blocks into creative inspiration

So, notice the nuanced layers of self-rejection, embarrassment, or shame that you might still be carrying, and see how you could use sexual energy to transmute those blocks into something productive. I mean, the true point of therapy is to functionalize the dysfunctional within us… but why talk to a person in a stuffy room when you can fuck your way through those same blocks with a loving partner?

Think of it this way…

If you want to become more powerful and assertive in your life, you could read yet another self-help book on assertiveness and communication skills. OR… you could try out some highly polarized/dominant sex with your partner and let that progressively built confidence bleed over into your every day life.

Or if you want to work on integrating your belief that you are worthy of being held in your sadness, then you can try crying and/or embodying a softer, sad energy with your partner while you’re sexually engaging with them (and getting the subsequent feedback that you are still loveable, worthy, and attractive, even while in your sadness).

If you have something to integrate (anger, sadness, mommy/daddy issues, performance anxiety, whatever), sex is a tool you can use to integrate that part of yourself more deeply.

Now Go Forth And Conquer!

I hope that this article gave you some new inspiration, a deeper sense of self-acceptance, or a charge of excitement for your next sex session.

Remember the importance of communication, clear boundaries, and connection to your partner. Some aspects of more heavily polarized sexual play can get quite intense, and proactively checking in on your partners (and your own) emotional state throughout is always a good idea.

Now get out there, buy some new sex toys, and start cultivating your new and improved ideal sex life.

Happy humping!

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will also love checking out:

– Supercharge Your Sex Life (video series for men)

The Ultimate BDSM Guide For Beginners

– The 3 Biggest Things I Learned From My First Sex Party

– Kinky Sex: 5 Reasons You Should Try It

– 7 Things Men Can Learn From Fifty Shades Of Grey

– 5 Questions To Ask Your Partner For Better Sex

– How To Get Your Partner To Be More Adventurous In Bed

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